I Miss My Mommy

One of my friends from high school called me just after the kids left for school to say happy birthday and we talked for 2 hours. She asked how Brandi was & I gave my opinion. She's 14, my oldest child is ,7 and she feels too old to be around them, yet she's too young to hang with me all day and on the grander scale of things I want her to be a child as long as possible. I told her Brandi is still keeping her emotions bottled up and no matter how many times I talk and cry with her she always curls back up in her shell. Then she asked me about myself and how I was doing and had I dealt with my loss. I had to honestly say no I hadn't. I'd been so focused on being the strong one that my own pain had been masked by my will to fight for survival. Almost 9 years later I'm still so hurt by the loss of my mother. I'm mad at the reason for her death, also angry at her dead partner for ending her life by his carelessness, mad at myself for not taking advantage of every minute I had with her oh hell I'm just mad! I don't have a mother anymore, she was gone long before I ever thought about having kids, wasn't at my wedding and won't be here ever again. I long for my mother because I'm sure that my life would be so much better if she were here with me so I sympathize with my little sister because she's just got me as a mother figure and on so many levels I just am not the same.